“A man’s character is like his house. If he tears boards off his house and burns them to keep himself warm and comfortable, his house soon becomes a ruin. If he tells lies to be able to do the things he shouldn’t do but wants to, his character will soon become a ruin. A man with a ruined character is a shame on the face of the earth.”1
Eight-year-old Ralph Moody had told a lie. He wanted to take the horse out on his own, so he convinced his mother that his father had approved, and he nearly got himself killed. In the course of carefully disciplining his son, Ralph’s father gave him the above counsel. It is downright Solomonic. I believe that every father worth his salt desires to give counsel like that, and it is for such wisdom that fathers should endlessly be praying.2
The counsel is good, but its effect on Ralph is of greater interest to our purpose. It comes up again and again in his story. Ralph wonders what this or that decision will do to his “character house.” At one point he even wished that his father had never told him about his character house: worry about damaging it was keeping him from joining in a conversation about a man whom everyone loved to hate.3 He thought often about what his father said and measured his actions by his father’s standard.
His father had given him a burden. It was the burden of wisdom and virtue. Ralph could make no plea of ignorance. If he wanted to be honorable and not a shame on the face of the earth, he would have to take care of his character house.
Such burdens are natural. It is natural to hear your parents’ voices even when you’re grown and out of the house. You can hear them, whether it is their correction or encouragement, whether they were loving or unloving. They are all the time leaving an enduring impression on you. It is only natural.
For Christians, however, this enduring impression and the burdens that parents give to their children reach their ultimate goal. For Christians, it is not merely a matter of honor, character, and temporal wisdom. It is greater. It is a matter of eternal wisdom. It is a matter of faith. Martin Luther puts a point on it in his Large Catechism explanation to the Fourth Commandment: “For this purpose He has given us children and issued this command: we should train and govern them according to His will.”4
It is God’s will that our children should follow Jesus in faith, that they should repent of their sins and trust in Him for forgiveness and salvation. It is also His will that in following Jesus, they should take up and bear their cross (Mt. 16:24; Mk. 8:34; Lk. 9:23). That is something that does not come naturally to us. As much as natural man may grow to appreciate the burdens his father imposes because of the temporal benefits he thereby gains, that same natural man also wants nothing to do with bearing the cross.
Crosses are the sufferings of Christians that they endure as Christians. It is the suffering that comes with self-denial, fear of God, faith in His promises, and devotion to Jesus. It is the suffering that one endures in crucifying the flesh (Rom. 6:6; Gal. 5:24), not for the sake of a character house, but for the sake of doing what is right before God. It is the suffering that one endures through insults and violence on account of Christ’s name and the scandal of His cross. It is the suffering apportioned by God as a loving, heavenly Father to His own dear children.
Bearing such suffering gladly does not come naturally to us. Counting it a joy (Jam. 1:2), not being surprised (1 Pet. 4:12), and considering ourselves blessed (1 Pet. 4:14) in the face of such suffering—these are all lessons learned only in the school of the Holy Spirit.
This is where Christian parents come in. The Holy Spirit works through means, and among the means he uses to sanctify children, faithful fathers and mothers are the chief. After all, it is father and mother who are meant to bring their children to Baptism, to pray for and with them, to instruct them in God’s Word, to cultivate their appetite for righteousness and the body and blood of Jesus, and to show them an example of repentant living. It is in the love between father and mother that children see portrayed that profound mystery: the love of Christ for the Church and the trust of the Church in Christ (Eph. 5:32).
The Holy Spirit also puts fathers and mothers to work in teaching little Christians to bear the cross. We can see this clearly in two different ways. First, we see it in the example parents give while they bear their own crosses. Second, we see it in the ordinary work of fatherly chastening. These are worthy of our reflection, so that we can grow to appreciate and carry out all the more the serious and glorious stewardship that God has entrusted to parents.
Consider first the example of Tobit. In the apocryphal account of this Assyrian captive, Tobit was devoted to acts of charity. He fed the hungry, gave clothing to the naked, and buried the dead (Tobit 1:17). When an informant sold him out to the king, Tobit fled his home, losing all his property and having nothing left but his wife Anna and his son Tobias. To make matters worse, as Tobit continued to bury the dead in spite of the persecution, he suffered an injury and became blind. Like Job, Tobit even endured reproach from the lips of his own wife: “Where are your charities and your righteous deeds? Behold, everything is known about you!” (Tobit 2:14).5
Nevertheless, Tobit entrusted himself to God in his anguish: “Righteous are you, O Lord; all your deeds and all your ways are mercy and truth, and you render true and righteous judgment forever. Remember me and look favorably upon me; do not punish me for my sins” (Tobit 3:2-3). He received all this sorrow as the gracious pleasure of his faithful God, even as he pleaded with God to end his distress by taking him home to heaven. He fixed his eyes not on his present suffering, but on his future glory.
The clincher, however, was when Tobit gave instructions to his son Tobias. In spite of all his suffering which he endured so clearly as a consequence of his faithful and charitable living, he told Tobias to live in just the same way: “Bless the Lord God on every occasion; ask Him that your ways may be made straight and that all your paths and plans may prosper. For none of the nations has understanding; but the Lord Himself gives all good things, and according to His will He humbles whomever He wishes… Do not be afraid, my son, because we have become poor. You have great wealth if you fear God and refrain from every sin and do what is pleasing in His sight” (Tobit 4:19, 21).
What example did Tobias have in his father? It was not an example of stoicism or a strategy for overcoming obstacles. It was, instead, an example of cross-bearing. Tobit was not shy in crying out to God in his anguish, like Paul suffering from the thorn in his flesh (2 Cor. 12:8). At the same time, he was unflinching in his conviction of the goodness of God. He echoed the attitude that prevails in the Psalms: my cross is real and grievous and from the Lord; nevertheless, the Lord is gracious and good (e.g. Ps. 69). Whatever momentary afflictions I endure now are light in comparison with the eternal weight of glory prepared for me (2 Cor. 4:17). Tobit taught Tobias to bear the cross by giving him a vivid example to imitate. How you, dear fathers and mothers, bear your own crosses is a most powerful lesson for your children. Let them learn from you how to suffer patiently, blessing the LORD at all times with his praise continually in your mouths (Ps. 34:1).
In addition to giving an example of cross-bearing, parents also teach this lesson through the ordinary work of chastening. The Scriptures are replete with admonitions to discipline. “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death” (Prov. 19:18).6 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart” (Prov. 29:15, 17).
The discipline that a Christian child receives is a cross since it is painful and ultimately from the loving hand of the heavenly Father. It is God who gives this cross to the child by means of the parents, and like all crosses, it is bearable in faith. He apportions to children the crosses that are fit for them, so that they may learn to bear them with patience. It is in submitting to such discipline that a child gains the “peaceful fruit of righteousness” (Heb. 12:11).
Think of the burden borne by a child in honoring his father and mother even while they discipline him. Think of the spiritual blessings that are prepared for a child who learns to love the glory that comes from God. St. John wonders how you can love God, whom you cannot see, if you cannot be bothered to love the brother whom you can see (1 Jn. 4:20). By analogy, when a child learns to take up the cross given through his parents, he is being prepared to bear the crosses that he will receive from his heavenly Father apart from his parents. Again, in his Large Catechism explanation to the 4th commandment, Luther urges children to thank God for this burden, which amounts to a precious and pleasing work in God’s sight.7
Parents who neglect discipline deprive their children of this necessary lesson in cross-bearing. Consider the trouble for David’s son Adonijah which followed from this simple description of David’s neglect: “His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, ‘Why have you done thus and so?’” (1 Kgs. 1:6). Likewise, Eli’s wretched sons learned to despise the cross through their father’s unwillingness to chasten them: “Why then do you scorn my sacrifices and my offerings that I commanded for my dwelling, and honor your sons above me by fattening yourselves on the choicest parts of every offering of my people Israel?” (1 Sam. 2:29). Those sons who despised the cross were like the people of Israel in the wilderness: full of self-pity and grumbling in the face of every difficulty. Their fathers neglected the chastening by which God teaches children to bear the cross. In that way, they deprived their children of true joy as they chose temporal, fleeting pleasures instead of eternal treasure.
One of the reasons why parents neglect discipline is their own desire to avoid the cross. It is a cross you acquire when you become a father or mother, not because children are a source of suffering in and of themselves, but because the burden of faithful parenting includes your own suffering as you discipline your children. What parents occasionally say to their children is true in many ways: “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” Because it is true, discipline is often neglected.
What tragic neglect this is! See how this ordinary work of fatherly chastening is a profound lesson in cross-bearing! Not only does it teach through the pain suffered by the child who is reproved, but it also teaches through the example of patient endurance as the parent suffers as well, rejoicing even, confident in a hope that will not be put to shame because it is God’s love that governs everything (Rom. 5:3-5). It is unpleasant and difficult to discipline your child lovingly. It brings you low as you risk insult or abuse from your child, which must not be returned in spite of your own flesh. It brings you low as you crucify all your passions and knee-jerk reactions and strive not to provoke your children to anger (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21), aiming at love that “issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” (1 Tim. 1:5). It brings you low, so that God can raise you up.
“Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22b). So it is for Christians, who receive their crosses not as a measure of God’s wrath (Ps. 6:1), but according to His mercy and faithfulness (Ps. 119:75). When we take up our cross and follow Jesus, we receive His lowliness as our own (1 Pet. 4:1), for us and for our children, confident that the glory to be revealed is surpassing in greatness (Rom. 8:18).
To the end that children may learn this lesson, God has given them parents. Like so many God-pleasing tasks, the task of teaching children to bear the cross is confoundingly simple. Not easy, but simple. And yet, what glorious things are accomplished by such simple, ordinary means! God grant to Christian fathers and mothers all joy in believing so that they may take up this task with zeal, assured that it is God who works in them (Phil. 2:13)!
1 Ralph Moody, Little Britches, Norton (1950), 41.
2 Ralph himself comments, “I wish I knew how Father was able to say things so as to make you remember every word of it. If I could remember everything the way I remember the things Father told me, maybe I could be as smart a man as he was,” 177.
3 Ibid., 69.
4 Large Catechism quotations are from McCain, Paul T., W. H. T. Dau, and F. Bente, Concordia : The Lutheran Confessions : A Reader’s Edition of the Book of Concord, 2nd ed., Concordia Publishing House (2006). LC I:173.
5 Quotations from Tobit are taken from The Apocrphya: The Lutheran Edition with Notes, Concordia Publishing House (2012).
6 Biblical quotations are from the English Standard Version (2001).
7 “You should be heartily glad and thank God that He has chosen you and made you worthy to do a work so precious and pleasing to Him. Only note this: although this work is regarded as the most humble and despised, consider it great and precious. Do this not because of the worthiness of parents, but because this work is included in, and controlled by, the jewel and sanctuary, namely, the Word and commandment of God,” LC I:117.
